The Red Flags Are Everywhere.
Part 1: Political Gaslighting and What to Do About It
This is part one of a four-part series exploring the uncomfortable parallels between abusive relationships and our relationship with political parties. It’s cross-posted with Lura’s Substack How to Human and Lauren’s Substack The Radical Moderate’s Guide to Life.
On a recent episode of our podcast, We Made This Political, we had a moment that was half-joking, half-deadly serious. Lauren asked our guest—political scientist Lee Drutman, “Why can’t we get out of this abusive relationship?”
We laughed in the moment, but the more we talked about it afterward, the less funny it became. Because once you start looking at the warning signs of unhealthy relationships—the red flags that therapists tell us to watch for—they’re everywhere in our political system.
The gaslighting. The isolation. The narcissism. The trauma bonding.
All of it.
So we decided to dig in. What if we looked at our relationship with political parties the same way we’d look at a toxic interpersonal relationship? What would we see? And more importantly, what would we tell our best friend if they were in this situation?
This is what we do on We Made This Political—we explore how to make politics more about relationships and less about control. And because this conversation about political abuse goes right to the heart of that mission we figured this is a good time to cross-post across all our shared spaces.
Gaslighting Voters
Let’s start with a toxic pattern in both interpersonal and political relationships: gaslighting. It’s all over the internet, but for those who missed it gaslighting is when someone tells you that what you perceive and feel as reality is wrong, and that their view is the one that’s actually accurate.
Think about the 2024 election. Voters kept telling pollsters and reporters and candidates: “I feel like I don’t have enough money.”
And what did Democrats say? “The economy is fine! Look at these charts.”
That’s textbook gaslighting.
Now, we want to be clear—this isn’t always about intentional manipulation (though sometimes it is). Sometimes gaslighting is just a defensive mechanism people use when they’re exhausted or don’t want to deal with complexity. Parents do it to their kids when they’re tired: “You are not that upset.”
But whatever our reasons for doing it, it’s always wrong.
And when you tell adult voters their lived experience is inaccurate because it’s inconvenient for you and your objectives, you’re dismissing their reality. It makes them stop trusting you. And it makes them stop trusting themselves.
That’s why gaslighting is (sadly) effective in relationships between individuals. Because when you convince someone they can’t rely on their perceptions of the world around them, it’s demotivating. Information and emotion motivate our interaction with the world around us. When we can’t rely on our own perceptions, we aren’t sure what to do next. We’re in a holding pattern.
And that’s likely one reason why so many Democratic voters sat out the 2024 election: because they were told that their concerns about economic wellbeing were wrong.
During our conversation on the podcast, Lauren was reminded of aspects of the cognitive behavioral therapy work she’s been doing with one of her kids around big emotions. One of the core principles is that you have to validate people’s emotions and experiences, even if you think they’re not accurate.
Instead of saying “the economy is fine, here’s the data,” you say: “I hear that you’re struggling financially. Tell me more about what’s in the way of living the life you want and let’s figure out what we can do about it.”
That’s not giving in to mob rule and it’s not saying that politics is just doing whatever the majority of voters want.
That’s treating people like human beings whose experiences are valid and contain information. Not all of the information will be useful or relevant, but some of it will be. Dismissing all of it is both demotivating in the short term and dangerous in the long term.
Yes, Both Sides (Really)
Now, here’s where it gets tricky: both parties gaslight voters, just in different ways.
Democrats shrug off the harmful reality of urban violence while Republicans ignore the clear stats that violent crime is generally falling.
The world is a complicated place, but gaslighting replaces that complexity with simple self-serving narratives.
For Republicans, the entire city of Portland is the ninth circle of hell. Fear everything!
For Democrats, rampant homelessness or concentrated violence are just minor issues to be brushed under the rug. Everything is fine!
Both seek to replace voter experiences with their own simple narrative, one that serves their needs and not those of voters or the country at large.
And polarization makes it worse. If you’re a rural voter, how would you know what’s actually happening in Chicago? And if you’re an urban voter who lives outside the concentrated areas where violent crime is a problem, it’s easy to ignore what people who live in those spaces actually experience. In both cases, you’re not there. You can’t reality-check it.
Confirmation bias seals the deal. Whatever narrative you were already on board with, the narrative that’s fed to you by parties with self-interested motives, well, that becomes your truth.
The antidote? Actually talking to people who live in those places. Asking them: What’s it like for you? What do you need?
Instead, our parties just say “don’t look at reality, look at ME!”
These are not messages that inspire confidence in leadership or that lead us to solve people’s problems.
Why This Matters
Some of you might be thinking: “This is a bit dramatic, isn’t it? Comparing politics to abusive relationships?”
But the patterns are real. The psychological mechanisms are remarkably similar. Both create real harm for real people. Recognizing these patterns matters because it helps us recognize vicious cycles and escape toxic relationships of all kinds.
Over the next three posts, we’re going to dig into more of these patterns—the love bombing, the trauma bonding, the narcissism. More importantly, we’re going to talk about what we can do about it.
Because just like in personal relationships, the first step to getting unstuck is recognizing that you’re in an unhealthy dynamic in the first place.
What About You?
Have you noticed these patterns in your relationship with politics? When have you felt gaslit by political messaging? We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments! And if you like what you just read, subscribe to the podcast and share our work on Substack and beyond.
Next week: Love Bombing, Trauma Bonding, and Why You Can’t Leave