Your Political Party Doesn't Deserve You.

(Re)Building Healthy Political Relationships in a Partisan World

This is part four of our four-part series exploring the uncomfortable parallels between abusive relationships and our relationship with political parties. Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 here.

We’ve talked about the gaslighting, the trauma bonding, the narcissism. We’ve identified at least some of the unhealthy patterns in our political relationships (and undoubtedly there are more we haven’t touched on).

Now what?

How do we actually break these cycles? How do we reclaim our agency when the system seems designed to take it from us?

The answer—both in personal relationships and in politics—comes down to two things: boundaries and accountability.

What Boundaries Actually Are

We love how parenting expert Dr. Becky Good defines boundaries: A boundary is something I will do, not something you have to do.

It seems simple, but it’s more powerful than it looks at first glance.

Most people think about boundaries as things they need other people to do. “You’re going to stop doing this.” “You have to change that.”

But that puts the power in the other person’s hands. You’re focused on what they do or don’t do. It’s a control mentality and it doesn’t really solve the problem because you can’t control other people. You can only control yourself.

But when you think about boundaries as things you will do—actions you will take, lines you will draw for yourself—that is the realm of agency. Now you have control.

In a personal relationship, that sounds like

• “I will not pick up the phone if you call after 11pm.”

• “I will not discuss this topic further.”

• “I will end my visit if you drink or use drugs.”

In a political relationship, it sounds like

• “I will vote for someone else if you don’t address my concerns.”

• “I will not donate to someone who uses dehumanizing language.”

• “I will voice my concerns about your policy positions in public hearings or in letters to the editors.”

Those are boundaries. Those give voters power.

Political Boundaries Look Like This

At the Independent Center, we’re working on one specific political boundary: getting people to vote differently.

Here’s why this matters: partisans don’t switch sides when their party behaves in a way they don’t like. The other side is always worse–after all they hate America and democracy!

There’s no accountability mechanism if there’s no one else to vote for.

The people you need for political accountability are the people who say: “You’re going to have to convince me. You have to earn my vote.”

That’s what nonpartisans and independents do. And it’s crucial for a functioning political system, because no one has a boundary for their “side”. That’s not how in-groups function. We trust in-groups and we assume that what is good for the group is good for us. We set boundaries for out-groups because we have less trust.

But when there are no boundaries for our own side partisan politics becomes unaccountable and unresponsive to voters.

Breaking the Binary

There’s another layer to this that might be more crucial: we need to set boundaries around binary thinking itself.

Both parties want you to think in binaries: pro-life vs. pro-choice, Black Lives Matter vs. Blue Lives Matter, open borders vs. closed borders.

These are false binaries. They obscure real solutions. They keep us fighting over symbolic positions instead of solving actual problems.

So a boundary you can set is: I refuse to think in binary terms about policy questions. I demand actual solutions.

You can still be a single-issue voter if there’s something you care deeply about. But chances are good that if you want to solve that problem, you can’t think about it in a deeply partisan way.

We’ve seen it over and over. The people actually solving problems on the ground—whether it’s addiction, homelessness, immigration, whatever—they’re not thinking in partisan terms. They’re thinking: What works? What helps? What reduces harm?

Demanding Accountability

Accountability goes hand-in-hand with boundaries.

And here’s what’s wild: we have solutions for most of our major policy challenges. Smart people have spent years studying these issues and developing solutions. We have options we could try.

But our political parties aren’t even trying.

Why? Because unsolved problems are more valuable to parties than solved ones.

Accountability means asking: Why aren’t you trying? Why don’t we have options on the table? Why are we still fighting over the same issues decade after decade?

It also means looking at your elected officials and saying: I don’t want symbolic victories. I don’t want culture war nonsense. I want you to work with whoever you need to work with to actually pass legislation.

And if you won’t do that? I’ll find someone who will.

The Agency Problem

We know this is hard. We see it everywhere right now—people feeling complete despair about politics. Feeling powerless. Feeling like nothing they do matters.

And that’s by design, by the way. The parties want you to feel powerless. Because powerless people don’t demand accountability. They don’t set boundaries. They stay in unhealthy relationships because they’ve learned to be helpless.

But here’s what we know: you have more power than you think.

Not the power to control everything. Not the power to single-handedly change the system.

But the power to make different choices. The power to refuse to participate in dynamics that harm you. The power to support candidates and causes that treat you with respect.

The power to say: “you can’t treat me like that.” And then leave.

Boundaries in Practice

Practically speaking, here are some boundaries you might consider:

Information diet boundaries:

• I will not consume news designed to make me afraid or angry.

• I will seek out solutions-oriented journalism and constructive dialogue.

• I will reality-check claims by talking to actual people affected.

Participation boundaries:

• I will not donate to candidates who refuse to work across the aisle.

• I will not vote solely on the basis of party affiliation.

• I will attend town halls and ask hard questions about policy challenges.

Conversation boundaries:

• I will not engage in dehumanizing language about the “other side.”

• I will challenge binary framing when I see it.

• I will call out gaslighting, even from my “own” side.

Identity boundaries:

• I will not let a political party define who I am.

• I will build relationships across political differences.

• I will remember that my values matter more than my team.

These are just examples. Your boundaries will be personal to you, based on your values and your context.

The key is that they’re things you control. Not things you’re trying to force other people to do.

Transformative Boundaries

Here’s what we’ve noticed from people who engage in constructive dialogue, who start thinking outside the binary, who set boundaries in their political lives:

They feel transformed.

And we think we know why. When you’re locked into tribal dynamics, into in-group vs. out-group thinking, it encourages dehumanization. The other side isn’t just people with different opinions—they lack character, decency, even humanity (NPCs, anyone?).

And dehumanizing other people is bad for them and for you. It locks us into cycles of anger, fear, and apathy. It allows us to overlook or even excuse harm to other people, which harms us in return.

But you can refuse to dehumanize. When you step out of political binaries, you start seeing people as full human beings again. That’s transformative. It’s addictive, even. You won’t want to go back.

You remember what it feels like to be your fully human self.

It Starts With You

Again, we know it’s hard. We know the system feels overwhelming. We know it’s scary to step out of the familiar, even when the familiar is making you miserable.

But every movement starts with individuals making different choices.

Every healthy relationship starts with someone saying: I deserve better than this.

Every change starts with someone setting a boundary and meaning it.

You don’t have to fix everything. You don’t have to change the whole system.

You just have to decide: What will I do? What line will I draw? What do I need to reclaim my sense of agency?

Start there.

The rest will follow.

Your Turn

What about you? What boundaries do you need to set in your political life? What would it look like to reclaim your agency? We’d love to hear what resonates and what you’re going to try in the comments. And if you like what you’re reading, let other people know: subscribe and share!